FUN Update, July 24, 2007 - I Just Have a Lot of Feelings

Dear Friends,

Ever since my trip to Haiti, ants have taken on a special meaning for me. They represent how lots of small problems can combine to create what seems to be an impenetrable miasma of suckiness that permeates my entire life and robs me of all perspective. And so it was that two days ago, after a trying day that involved torrential rainfall, a stolen bike, and a five mile walk/swim, it was discouraging to come home and find that ants were congregating in my entryway.

When I say "congregating," I'm not referring to the characteristic assembly line inevitably leading to a forgotten apple core or candy wrapper. I mean there was about a thousand ants in one small corner of my foyer. I felt somewhat broken at the moment, so I heaped my soaking clothes into the washer and took a hot bath just in case pneumonia was eying my damp lungs. The ants were forgotten until the next morning.

For whatever reason, I harbored a timid hope that I would wake up and the ants would be gone. Laugh at me if you want, but just as water appears in the desert for the desperately thirsty, in my dreams those pesky ants had evaporated, replaced with wadded up hundred dollar bills. Or something.

I haven't dealt with many problems of the type that disappear when you ignore them, and sure enough, the ants were still there when I woke up. If anything, there were more of them, and they seemed to be laying eggs. Just swell. I was running late for work, so I threw on my work clothes and ran out to catch the bus, pausing only to spray the ants with some 409 all-purpose cleaner, the equivalent of spitting in the general direction of my firing squad.

Work... was miserable. Usually I love working as a poker dealer, but yesterday I hardly made enough money to cover my bus fare. I breathed in and out deeply, discovered that I had missed the bus by about three minutes, breathed in and out again, and waited forty-five minutes for the next bus.

I got home, opened my door, and learned something: 409 works on ants. All thousand or so of them were just where I had left them... but dead. And for some reason, yesterday suddenly became a good day. Which made me realize something rather profound.

Much of the background guilt in my life is the result of how I feel. I tip taxi drivers well even when they're late, knowing that it wasn't their fault. But I feel like going on a tirade, insulting their cars and jobs and relatives. I respond politely when the Florida Secretary of State calls and lets me know that I have a couple hundred dollars in fees to pay for moving here. But often, I feel anything but polite.

I feel guilty because I don't feel sure that God will provide. I feel guilty because I worry about jobs and money and people despite God's immaculate track record. I feel guilty because when bad things happen I feel let down by God, as if I am subject to the cruel whims of a divine dictator.

So I'm thankful that my faith and my love aren't judged by my feelings. The bible says that "even a child is known by his actions." I am judged by my decisions--what I choose to do, and whether or not I choose to indulge my guilt, anger, and malice. I feel capable of making good decisions.

I mean, if a bunch of dead ants can instantaneously take me from despair to happiness, where in the substance in emotion? Emotion is just the veneer of circumstance, giving color to perception. And that's nothing to feel guilty about.

More to the point: all is well here. My parents visited for a few days last week, which was nice. I found a computer here that I can rent until I buy one. I'll leave you with something I read online that made me chuckle:

"Bunnies actually have very few mystical powers and tend to rely on things like pancakes, underwear and cheese sticks to solve most of their problems."

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See pictures of my new apartment and of work. (Look for the album labeled "Apt #1614" and "Poker Room," respectively.)

View the FUN Archives.You can contact me by replying to this e-mail. To send letters or packages, use the following address:

Dan Kaschel
4747 W Waters Ave., Apt #1614
Tampa, FL 33614

My phone number is 231-631-3016.

Peace,

Dan